Should Parents Leave an Equal Inheritance to All Children – Even If One Needed More Help During Life?
Thanksgiving is the perfect time to talk estate planning with your family – before resentment tears siblings apart
The short answer from decades of real-world family disputes: Yes — equal inheritance is usually the wisest, most loving choice.
Real Story: Parents Spent $92,000 Helping One Child – Should They Deduct It from His Inheritance?
A couple in their 80s recently asked this exact question. Over the years they:
- Bought a second home and rented it to their struggling son at cost (effectively subsidizing ~$92,000)
- Paid elite college tuition for one daughter
- Gave another son $20,000 for a home down payment
They were considering “deducting” the $92,000 help from their son’s future inheritance so the final numbers would look “equal on paper.”
Expert consensus: Don’t do it.
Why Treating Lifetime Gifts as “Advances on Inheritance” Often Backfires
Financial columnist Michelle Singletary and hundreds of estate attorneys agree on these key reasons to keep inheritance equal:
- Inheritance isn’t just money — it’s the last message of love. Unequal shares feel like a final judgment on who was “worthy.”
- You already gave with love during your lifetime. Help given to a struggling child (medical bills, housing, therapy) was a gift — not a loan.
- Financial situations change dramatically. The “successful” child today could face divorce, job loss, or illness tomorrow.
- Resentment destroys families. Siblings who discover they inherited less often feel punished for being responsible.
The Parable That Explains Fairness vs. Equality
Remember the Bible story of the vineyard owner who paid every worker the same wage regardless of hours worked? The workers who started at dawn were furious.
The owner’s reply: “Are you envious because I am generous?”
Parents have the right — and often the duty — to be more generous to the child who needed more help. Equal inheritance later proves that generosity wasn’t favoritism.
Real-Life Example from a Parent of a Special-Needs Child
One mother with a son on the autism spectrum shared: “He will always need more support. But when we’re gone, his sisters will still inherit exactly the same amount. We’ve instructed them in writing: ‘If your brother ever needs more, help him — because that’s what family does.’”
Best Ways to Handle Unequal Needs Without Unequal Inheritance
- Keep inheritance equal among all children
- Use a testamentary trust for the child who struggles with money
- Write a letter of wishes explaining your reasoning (non-binding but emotionally powerful)
- Name a neutral executor or trustee if sibling tension exists
- Start the conversation now — over pumpkin pie if necessary
Bottom Line This Thanksgiving
The greatest gift you can give your children isn’t equal dollars — it’s proof that you loved them equally. In almost every case, that means equal shares of the estate, no matter who needed more help while you were here.
Talk about it this weekend. Your future family harmony depends on it.
